


Over Again

by crazy_voveriukas



Series: Healing [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post-Mass Effect 1, Pre-Mass Effect 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 20:22:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13509099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazy_voveriukas/pseuds/crazy_voveriukas
Summary: Everyone experiences grief differently and Garrus found himself lost in it over and over again.





	Over Again

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this listening to Mike Shinoda's Post Traumatic EP. The album deals with his grief regarding Chester's death. I found it extremely powerful. I lost so many close people in my life, so this piece of writing feels very raw and personal.

Garrus felt like he was going to puke. He was sitting on the floor of his living room and the world around him was spinning out of control. His omintool kept beeping but he couldn’t bring himself to check it. The pain in his chest was so raw that he wanted to tear his heart out just to make it go away. If he refused to believe it, maybe it won’t be true anymore?..

He was finishing some paperwork when the news came in a form of a call from Liara.

“Garrus… The Normandy was attacked… Shepard didn’t…” She continued talking but the words made no sense. 

How could it be possible? Time slowed and the air felt sticky and pushed on him with agonising precision, aiming to crush his ribs to dust. He could hear his heart pounding and a part of him wished it stopped, so he could… Garrus dropped the phone and stumbled out of the office, he needed some air, or some space, it was the first time he felt like he’s going to puke his guts out. The world seemed like those slow motion vids where he was threading slowly through a blur of fast moving people… He couldn’t remember how he got back home, but he did.

How was he supposed to continue? The thought of a world without her was too much to bear. He had never met anyone quite like her and he knew there would be no other. He opened his omnitool, names flashed in his face: Joker, Tali, Wrex, Kaidan… He dismissed the messages and brought up a picture - Commander Freyja Shepard. He closed his eyes and the memories came rushing past as a spring flood on one of those icy planets. No, it wasn’t true, he was supposed to go back to the Normandy, she was supposed to show him Earth…

“One of those desert places, maybe the Sahara desert, I know you don’t like the cold, Garrus.” she laughed, and punched him lightly on the shoulder. They were sharing a drink at his place then…

“Shepard…” Garrus let out a quiet sigh, her name heavy on his tongue. A darkness enveloped him and he couldn’t fight the tears anymore…

______________________________________________________________________________________

The memorial was held a few weeks later. It was beautiful, of course. The survivors of the attack and the former crew were there. It felt good to see them and listen to their memories of Shepard, but grief wasn’t something he was used to, and sharing grief with others? Well, how could they understand? No one knew how he felt, they didn’t know that he… 

“The mission shouldn’t last more than a month, but it has to be enough time for you to get all the paperwork sorted. It will be great to have you back on the Normandy.” He was walking her back to the ship then. They had spent a whole week of shore leave together. 

“I can’t wait to be back, Commander.” He was happy that she couldn’t hear the anticipation in his sub-vocals. 

Shepard took Garrus' hand in hers. She didn’t say anything at first, just continued looking down at their hands. What was she thinking just then?

“Goodbye, Garrus, don’t forget to write.” She lifted her eyes and gave him one of her coy smiles. She turned towards the ramp. 

“Goodbye, Shepard”. He couldn’t help but notice how he missed the warmth of her hand as soon as she slipped away. He would tell her, when she’s back.

Only now she’s no longer coming back…

Grief would strike him at the most inopportune times, the pain seared into his heart like some dark mark. Their last goodbye kept playing in his head and he could no longer count the number of times he said goodbye to her. People said it would get easier, but it didn’t. There was no closure for Garrus, he still had too many things to say to her. 

He said goodbye when wrote his C-SEc resignation letter. He said goodbye when he packed his bag. He said goodbye when he got a one way ticket to Omega, and he said goodbye when he saw the bodies of his team and the mercs started shooting at him. 

“Goodbye, Shepard, I will see you again soon…”


End file.
